Eastern Standard Blog

Christopher James Garringer – Rest In Peace my brother. It’s been 12 years and I still cannot get through a day without thinking about you. Wondering what your life would be like, what you would be doing at this exact moment. I miss you. I love you. I failed you. I am sorry.

On January 6th my aunt Cheryl lost her 7 year fight against cancer. This meant a short notice trip to Iowa, which was very emotional for me. It’s a very difficult situation when someone has been fighting and suffering for so long. She was survived by her husband of 27 years and 4 daughters (ages 9 – 24). The pastor said something which really stuck in my head, which was how this death would really impact those of us who knew her, not only in our sadness and grief but in causing us to think about and examine our own lives.

I’ve been married for 8 years this May. I cannot imagine that she would not be there.
I’ve been a father for 2.5 years. I cannot imagine that I would not be there for my daughter.

The last funeral I went to was for my cousin Jeremy, like my brother Chris, he killed himself. We all lived together for awhile, two families under one roof. The four of us, Chris, Jeremy and his sister Ryan played with each other and had a lot of fun as kids. I was the oldest, the ring leader. A few days before my mother called me and asked me if I would talk to Jeremy, he was having lots of emotional ups and downs and it might be a good idea for me to speak with him. Of course, I semi-lied to my mother, I would talk to him. My father called a few days after that to tell me they had found him dead. And I just shut down. I had selfishly chosen not to get involved, and now he was dead. I could hardly look at his parents or his sister. At the grave side Ryan gave a eulogy and said something to the effect that “A few days ago I was a sister, and today I am just Ryan.” I know that it’s foolish of me to think that one way or another my inaction was a factor in the outcome, but I think about it often. I always wonder WHAT IF?

I saw Cheryl last when we went to Iowa over Thanksgiving. I knew previously from my cousin pretty much the full extent of the situation, and was warned by my mother that her appearance was radically different. We had some superficial chit-chat, I listened to her talk about things which I could not relate to, and hoped that I would never understand. I felt bad for her family, sad. When it was time to leave, she said to me “Well, if I don’t see you again, have a Merry Christmas.” It hung there like an anvil improbably suspended in mid-air. I’m still not sure of the context she meant since we were in town for a few days, did she mean like again this trip or again again? Again, I semi-lied easily “I think we are going to stop by tomorrow.” Apart from my own discomfort with the situation, I also did not want to feel like I was interjecting or interrupting the family time.

It still amazes me how much I am enjoying the Winter this year. It would have been a shame to spend it in Arizona I think. It reminds me that life can be hard, cold. It can be an unforgiving juggernaut. But as the days slowly get longer, and the sun hangs in the sky more and more each day things start to warm and grow again. To be enjoyed for the time they are here, until it is time to leave…

Ten years ago today, my younger brother Chris took his own life. He was 18 years old.

I love him dearly. This is a poem he wrote in High School.

Years And Years

standing in front of the sun

you were a million miles away

calling to me

i rose and walked forever

never reaching you

but still walking

standing on the banks of the nile

wading in the cool water

you were calling me

leaving me

i never understood

but on i walked

in rome, in london

you were calling

my mind was blind

finally i understood

but it was too late

now standing over your grave

i have many regrets

but i still have my love for you

oh god

i wish you would come back

goodbye

Finally, I got off my ass and installed this software so I can blog.

Where to begin? It all makes sense in my mind, but my wife says I have a bad habit of starting things without much proper antecedents. So, I’ve wanted to start a blog for some time. When I found out that I was going to be moving into the Eastern Time Zone, I wanted to start this blog so I could have some fun with the whole idea of being a stranger in a strange land.

I purchased this domain several months ago, out of love for the book by Cory Doctorow of the same name. I was amazed to discover that the domain was freely available. That the publisher, the author, nor some other rabid fanboy already possessed it. I am a very big fan of the work that Mr. Doctorow does, both in print and in podcast form. His writing (and reading of said writing) speak to me in a very special way.

I read the novel, Eastern Standard Tribe, at a very pivotal point in my life. I find the idea of the Tribes quite amusing, and being a computer culture kind of guy could identify strong with the themes presented therein.

I listened to the podcast, When SysAdmins Ruled the Earth, at another very pivotal point in my life and was astonished to hear Mr. Doctorow reading this story to me, speaking to me about aspects of my own life. I could have been that character, and it was creepy. I was hooked. I’ve become a rabid consumer of his material and evangelize it to fellow readers and podcast listeners whenever I can.

For the record I was born (and largely raised off and on) in the Central Time Zone, GMT – 6. A continuing theme of my writing on this blog will be about my observations as a new resident to the EST as a member in long standing of the CST. It will also be interesting to me (and I hope to you) as I understand my new environment and all it has to offer. Enjoy.